Here are a few nuggets of wisdom that I've learned along the way that I thought I might pass along to you--just in case you were thinking about having children. And...if you do have children, well, you have my sympathies.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN:
1. Twist-ties make a lot of sparks in microwaves and will even catch tea towels on fire.
2. Dishwasher soap is NOT the same thing as dishwashing liquid.
3. Your child might think it amusing to call "911" and hang up, but I can assure you, when the police show up banging on your door, they are not amused in the least.
4. Cats, children, and vacuum cleaner hoses do not mix.
5. As a parent, you will--at least once in your life--absentmindedly accept the "thing" on your toddler's outstretched finger.
6. Bathroom floor vents make excellent receptables for your child's unwanted bread crusts and will hold hundreds of them.
7. Ants are drawn by the hundreds to bread crusts in floor vents.
8. Your baby does not have a nutritional deficiency that is causing his scalp to be patchy and bald. Do not--I repeat--do NOT even think of calling the doctor to take him in. Instead, hide all household scissors up and away from older sibling's reach.
9. Also, your cat does not have a vitamin deficiency that is causing his whiskers to fall out. (See #8).
10. Children make lousy gluers of lamps, statues, and vases--unless you are going for the mosaic look.
11. A soiled diaper on a bored child is never a good thing.
12. Magnifying glasses do ignite paper through bedroom windows.
13. And last, but certainly not least, never let your child sneak off to bed with neon green silly putty!