Thursday, November 12, 2009

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

I've been a mother for 15 years now. I'm not quite what you would call old and wise, but I am definitely older and I do think I might be a bit wiser than when I first started. Having four children has taught me some things.

Here are a few nuggets of wisdom that I've learned along the way that I thought I might pass along to you--just in case you were thinking about having children. And...if you do have children, well, you have my sympathies.


1. Twist-ties make a lot of sparks in microwaves and will even catch tea towels on fire.

2. Dishwasher soap is NOT the same thing as dishwashing liquid.

3. Your child might think it amusing to call "911" and hang up, but I can assure you, when the police show up banging on your door, they are not amused in the least.

4. Cats, children, and vacuum cleaner hoses do not mix.

5. As a parent, you will--at least once in your life--absentmindedly accept the "thing" on your toddler's outstretched finger.

6. Bathroom floor vents make excellent receptables for your child's unwanted bread crusts and will hold hundreds of them.

7. Ants are drawn by the hundreds to bread crusts in floor vents.

8. Your baby does not have a nutritional deficiency that is causing his scalp to be patchy and bald. Do not--I repeat--do NOT even think of calling the doctor to take him in. Instead, hide all household scissors up and away from older sibling's reach.

9. Also, your cat does not have a vitamin deficiency that is causing his whiskers to fall out. (See #8).

10. Children make lousy gluers of lamps, statues, and vases--unless you are going for the mosaic look.

11. A soiled diaper on a bored child is never a good thing.

12. Magnifying glasses do ignite paper through bedroom windows.

13. And last, but certainly not least, never let your child sneak off to bed with neon green silly putty!

Good times!


  1. Love that photo!
    My six year old is presently sporting red PlayDoh in his hair. I wonder if it's a chic, new fashion trend and we oldsters just do not know that yet?

  2. Both hilarious and so true! My daughter cut her bangs once, and it wasn't a pretty sight, not to mention my son's unfortunate reverse mohawk LOL
    Hang in there, it doesn't last very long, and before you know it you will be writing another one about car accidents and broken hearts. Enjoy them, as I am sure you do.

  3. LOL :-) mine are way way past all that - but I remember one son shaving his chin *just like daddy* (ouch!) and the other son shaving a trendy little patch off one eyebrow.

  4. LOL Stylin I can always count on you to put a smile on my face. As I read this my 3 1/2 year old is PO'd that we won't "Play" with her! Her idea of "Playing" is Bossing us around and not letting us touch any toys or blocks BUT then has an all out tantrum if we say "No thanks, I'm done "playing" with you!

    AHHHHhhhhhhh....oh wait is that my glass of wine right there!! Ahhhhhh...


  5. Are you related to Erma Bombeck? You certainly have a knack for recalling the choice moments. Great post!

  6. Oh, I do love all of these wonderful child moments! The one about the scissors especially. What is it about scissors is what I want to know. It took me back to the day when I was a very small tyke and my best friend who was five decided to cut off all of my hair. I was supposed to be a flower girl in a wedding!