Thursday, November 12, 2009

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

I've been a mother for 15 years now. I'm not quite what you would call old and wise, but I am definitely older and I do think I might be a bit wiser than when I first started. Having four children has taught me some things.

Here are a few nuggets of wisdom that I've learned along the way that I thought I might pass along to you--just in case you were thinking about having children. And...if you do have children, well, you have my sympathies.


1. Twist-ties make a lot of sparks in microwaves and will even catch tea towels on fire.

2. Dishwasher soap is NOT the same thing as dishwashing liquid.

3. Your child might think it amusing to call "911" and hang up, but I can assure you, when the police show up banging on your door, they are not amused in the least.

4. Cats, children, and vacuum cleaner hoses do not mix.

5. As a parent, you will--at least once in your life--absentmindedly accept the "thing" on your toddler's outstretched finger.

6. Bathroom floor vents make excellent receptables for your child's unwanted bread crusts and will hold hundreds of them.

7. Ants are drawn by the hundreds to bread crusts in floor vents.

8. Your baby does not have a nutritional deficiency that is causing his scalp to be patchy and bald. Do not--I repeat--do NOT even think of calling the doctor to take him in. Instead, hide all household scissors up and away from older sibling's reach.

9. Also, your cat does not have a vitamin deficiency that is causing his whiskers to fall out. (See #8).

10. Children make lousy gluers of lamps, statues, and vases--unless you are going for the mosaic look.

11. A soiled diaper on a bored child is never a good thing.

12. Magnifying glasses do ignite paper through bedroom windows.

13. And last, but certainly not least, never let your child sneak off to bed with neon green silly putty!

Good times!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Disguised as WHAT?!

Another Halloween, come and gone. Not too sure about these costumes. My youngest went as a witch. Again. I think she spent all of two minutes on her costume. More interested in candy than in presenting herself as a proper witch. My son went as a Clone Trooper. I think he looks like an alien kitty.
And my two oldest went as...well, I'm not sure! They didn't do much trick-or-treating. They handed out candy and terrorized the little lions, bunnies, and kitties that came timidly up to our door. My second oldest is supposed to be a spook of some kind. I think she looks more like the bride of Achmed the Dead Terrorist. Fans of Jeff Dunham will know what I'm talking about.

What a crew!

So, my husband takes the younger two out. They're gone for two hours or so. Check out the plethora of candy they brought home. That's quite a haul! Naturally, I had to "check" it all to make sure it was safe. Now, where did I put those spandex pants?

I'd be smiling too if I had this much candy.

Before you start thinking that these kids are a little on the odd side, I thought I'd better show a more presentable picture of them. Friday, they got their pictures taken. They were awesome for the photo session. Not one problem with them. But I wanted to slowly strangle the photographer. She stressed me out so much that I wanted a cigarette by the time we were all done. And I'm not a smoker!

Ahh....much better!